Tuesday, December 8, 2009

A brief history of past

Wisdom of the Day: Sometimes all the answers are sitting right in front of you, all you need to do is find the first clue you left yourself when you were an old man and follow them backwards, forwards and through time and then the answers will be yours.  Follow the clues you leave yourself and find what you left behind.

Mood: Contemplative and Fluttery

Music: Voltaire

Sounds: Cat Noises and Fans

Wings: On the ready, Cloak.

I've spent so many years holding back from fear of self and fear of others... this is not the case anymore... rather, it cannot be the case anymore. For my sanity and my safety I cannot continue like this. Hiding my thoughts and my visions I cannot be who I've felt I'm to be, who I'm told I will be and who I once was.

I will still approach everything from my analytical side on a basis of it still being needed but I'm starting to notice things with wonder and amazement again. New things, new feelings, new emotions, new energies, old energies, but a new mind to see them with, new eyes to gaze upon them and new ears to hear the songs of the region. New ways to discover the beauty that is this world.

After years of hiding everything I am save for the few I have let in, I realize that really there is nothing to hide, yes many people have thought me insane for my thoughts on reality, the future, the past and what surrounds us on a daily basis. I do not care. Think me crazy, think me mad, think me dangerous, this only means you have listened and contemplated upon; what I have written, what I have seen and what I have spoken to you.

I've been throwing around the idea of starting a new blog for my spiritual ramblings and intend to do so soon, I need to sit down and start it, taking from my journals over the last 23 years and taking them to digital ink. But, before I do, I have one thing I must do, I must tell the tale of my dream and why it is so unique to me. It is what has driven me through this life to this point and still carries me on.

This is also my first post on my spiritual blog.

- The world begins -

For the first year of my life I was but a ball of energy, viewing people and things with wonder and amazement, much like other children do, but I remember everything, I could go day to day through that first year and tell you my sights. Everything from when I was handed to an agent for lutheran social services to give me to foster care, to where the child of my foster family fell down the stairs three weeks into my stay, with me in their hands, to my first Beethoven Symphony, No 3, on the OLD WOSU station and my reactions to it. All of it, though scary... (I don't like being dropped, and I think this caused my fear of heights... I'm fucking tall, had to get over it somehow, right?)... was amusing and amazing..

The family that took care of me was of rather strong christian faith from what I could tell, save for their eldest daughter, she was 16 from what I've been able to discern, Jessica or Valerie? I think, I heard both names far too often.... She was not "Wiccan" but "Pagan" for lack of better knowledge. Over the 9 months they cared for me I recall being taken into her room and her chanting to me "Bah'rei Theil Khoman" Loosely translated as I'm only really able to recall some of the words (forgive me, my hearing was not perfect as a baby), as "The Brothers Bound"... Granted, at the time I had no idea what the hell she meant nor really why I had a chick standing over me with sage sticks....

Shortly after my first memory of this things changed for me. I started seeing things differently, though never really paid attention to it until I was more "Worldly Aware". But, I noticed people their faces, their hair, their scent, everything about them, except for the color of their eyes. I really thought nothing of it until I was about 8 when I really noticed I was only seeing the eye color of about 1 out of every 2000 or so people, kind of shocking really when this comes up.

My first coherent dream formed shortly after her words;

--- The other details come in slowly as time passes, but the first scene is always the same...

I am standing in a courtyard, people are standing about and socializing, enjoying themselves quite well. It is Greek or Italian in style, a stone and marble courtyard. I am standing talking to a women whose eyes are really the only thing I see or am paying attention to, we are talking, we're happy and celebrating like those around us, we kiss and a man starts the applause? I figure out eventually this is a wedding or at least a form of gathering to celebrate said union. I feel something tugging at my leg and it is a little girl, I pick her up and embrace, she calls me daddy, (mind you, when I'm not even one and I have this dream... wow... )..

From here on things change, but always the same woman, same girl, same eyes, same lips, same scent...

Really fucks with you after a while...

I've seen the night end well, I've seen the party raided, I've seen friends come to me in need and I've seen some of the most horrifying things crash the party, but I always leave with my companion and daughter.

But always the same start? ---

It's been hard recently, thinking back on this dream, though I have it every night, it is amazing how someone else who I have not told of this dream is able to describe my daughter so well... it makes me cry now, not exactly tears of sorrow... but tears of hope. Call me crazy, I want to give this little girl who I've known for 23 years, life?

Maybe that is what has made my reading those tales so hard...

Tomorrow I'll go over my first years of life - 1-5 I think, not a lot to tell here.

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