Sunday, November 6, 2011

Been a while

It has been quite some time since I have written publicly on any spiritual subjects, I feel now is the time again.

I have spent the last year coming to terms with my spirituality. Based in christianity as a whole, though focusing more on the spiritual side, rather than fellowship and forgiveness, hard to do, as I said, a basis.

I started life very young, very stupid and very hard. I got involved in many things that I should not have been. I had worked for the other side, the dark, the evil that is, Satan whatever your preference really.

I had a master who taught me to use my...abilities for their will... I did this freely, no strings, no deals, just freely. I had not promised my heart or my soul to anyone or anything.

I was asked to hurt people, which I did, driving them into madness, tainting their thoughts and minds with whatever I could come up with. I was then asked to kill, by my hands, someone that would have a strong influence on the lighter side. I was at odds, I had never thought of such a thing, I could not contemplate harming someone I knew had done nothing wrong.

I ran away, I cut off contact from my master, my trainer, and lived life for what it was for a few weeks until I ran into them again. The torture they put me through, the threats on my life, my family, my friends was almost enough to get me to do it. I still maintained my stance.

I got home after this confrontation and felt my heart being ripped in two, I could feel the pressure of something new deep within me, a pain I had only seen in the minds of those I had hurt. My own tactics were being used on me, my gifts were turned against me.

I died that night, my heart stopped, my skin turned white and I was no more.

In the moment I knew everything was over a voice came to me, I know him as my brother, I know him as part of me. Perhaps an instinctual side embedded in me for my protection, call him what you will, but he saved me. He guided me from death back into life. I was given a choice. To die or to serve balance, protecting life for what it is, protecting light against dark and dark against light, keeping things where they need to be to keep life going as it is. To put things in their place when they overextend their reach, or to allow things to happen when they need to... A hard task to endure at times, but it was my choice. I could use my gifts for something better, something noble, something honorable.

I took the offer, and it too hurt, I felt my heart rip in two, I felt a surge of energy within myself and I woke up. I found what one would consider a demon, dead at my feet. I felt like I had exploded and he looked like he had been in an explosion.

Ever since this day I have strived to be completely honest about who I am, what I do and what my past has led me to do.

I have not  known many to understand who I am spiritually, though I have been blessed with wonderful people who have tried, one of them is now in my life as my wife, and it is hard. She is christian through and through, and though we differ in some respects, she is a spiritual warrior as well, but it is hard for her. Knowing I was brought up christian, and in most respects will call myself one, though when it comes to my training, when it comes to my views on forgiveness and spirituality, it is a strain.

I walk this world striving to make up for my past, I will always continue to do so, despite my forgiveness from above, I seek forgiveness within. It is my own evil I fight, but fight for others as part of it.